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Frog Walked
ASJ Columnist Arrested in Texas
Parody nothing to laugh about, says local D.A.
By Christopher Pebble
FORTH WORTH - District Attorney Joe "Bebo" Dokes has announced the arrest of Agent's Sales Journal contributor David Douglas Ford for what more than a few analysts are claiming is a chilling attack on freedom of the press. Said the always-combative prosecutor, "We were asked by the stateinsurance boards of 11different states to look into this matter, which has proven very clearly to be 'criminal parody' against the insurance business, the most sacred of our American institutions." Ford faces up to 299 years.
New agent recruiting has fallen off dramatically in recent months, and several life insurance companies are now offering bonuses of up to $100,000 to an agent just for a contract.
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Application-free health policies are the latest wrinkle in insurance, and most major carriers have advised their agents to simply skip the intrusive health questions and offer new "verbal agreements" in lieu of printed policies.
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Term insurance rates hit an all-time low last week, and most insurers have concluded that it is now cheaper to just waive their policyholders' premiums to avoid costly billing and accounting altogether.
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MIDEAST CARTEL OPEC has announced plans to purchase the top 100 insurance companies in the United States and convert their underwriting department offices into oil refinery operations. An OPEC press release insisted that there would be no slowdown in policy issue time and that claims personnel could pick up any slack "in their spare time." A spokesman who requested that his remarks be off the record stated that "most agents will not even notice the difference."
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Archeologists in Egypt have discovered what may well prove to be the oldest known remains of an insurance agent. Thought to be dated around the time of "boy king" Tutankhamun the mummified remains were discovered next to a granite rate book and two papyrus scrolls, which, when translated, indicate that the unknown producer was way behind annual production goals set by his manager.
CONGRESS TO BAN INSURANCE SALES IN ALL 50 STATES
Both Speaker & Minority Leader Stunned by Odd Turn of Events in House
By Graham Cracker
In what could turn out to be among the strangest and most dramatic votes in U.S. history, the House of Representatives overwhelmingly approved a bill that will ban all insurance sales until the year 2020. In a rare bipartisan vote of 433-2, the prohibition of insurance policies was sent in veto-proof form to President Bush's desk late Saturday night.
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