Are you a referral wimp? When you get to the end of an appointment with a client and you realize you don't have time to ask for referral, does a little voice inside of you say, "Whoopee! I'll try to ask next time?" Do you feel guilty about not getting as many referrals as you know you should (and probably could)? You're a referral wimp if you are letting your rationalizations, mistaken assumptions, and bold-faced fear of asking for referrals ruin your career. The good news is that it doesn't need to be this way.
Some marketing "gurus" are spreading false rumors that you "can't ask for referrals anymore." That's just pure nonsense. Maybe they're referral wimps, too. Or maybe they just don't know what I know. You can ask for referrals from clients these days -- as long as you do it in the right way.
Every reason I've ever heard from agents and advisors as to why they don't ask for referrals is fear-based. They might not always use the word "fear," but that four-letter word is typically the basis of their reason. This column will deal with the three most prevalent fears.
Before I give you these three fears, let's keep in mind an important concept. It is impossible to "think" our way through a fear. You can think your way up to facing a fear, and you can rationalize why you don't have to face that fear, but the only way to really eliminate a fear is to do the thing you're afraid of. To take action, move through it, and watch the fear dissolve.
Fear #1: Fear of appearing pushy
No agent or advisor wants to appear pushy or hurt their relationships by asking for referrals -- though there are some "old-school" agents who haven't yet learned better. This concern is understandable, but here's the good news: To move through this fear, all you need to do is find a way to engage your clients in a referral conversation that doesn't come across as pushy -- in other words, one that will not hurt a relationship.
So how do you ask clients for referrals without appearing pushy? Don't assume they are willing to talk referrals; get their buy-in to the conversation. There are times to be assumptive in selling situations. This is not one of those times. You cannot plow ahead and ask clients for referrals. That's pushy. Why? Because we know that not all clients like to talk about referrals -- especially when it comes to personal financial matters. We have to be a little softer these days.
Get permission (not begging, but in a confident way) to talk about introductions. Give them the opportunity to say "no." Don't push them into a corner. At all times, let them feel in control of the conversation.
Fear #2: Fear of begging
Many veteran agents and advisors voice this fear. They don't want to appear unsuccessful or needy to their clients. Again, understandable -- and there's more good news here. Just find a way to engage your clients in a referral conversation that doesn't come from a needy place and that instead comes from a place of confidence, success, and value.
Rather than the old style of asking for referrals where you make it all about yourself -- "I get paid in referrals," or "I'm trying to build my business and I really need your help -- please! Please!" -- make your referral conversation about the value they have recognized in their work with you. Get in the habit of always checking in with your clients to make sure they see the value in your processes and relationship. Focus on the importance of the work that you do and bringing that important work to others.
Also, how you present this conversation will go a long way in determining how they respond to you. If you come across as weak, wishy-washy, or even apologetic, you won't get a good response from your client.
You know that the work you do is important. When you check in with your clients and get them to affirm that they recognize your value, you bring this conversation to a higher level -- a place of success.
Fear #3: Fear of hearing "no"
It amazes me how successful, confident, and even cocky agents and advisors turn into a bowl of Jell-O when they face the prospect of a client turning them down in their request for referrals. There are many reps who can dial for dollars until the cows come home but are afraid a client may not want to give them referrals.
How do you deal with this fear? Just get over it! First, you are only going to ask clients who have seen value in your work and like you. Second, assuming the previous point is true, if a client doesn't want to give you referrals, it has nothing to do with you. It's their fear. It's their baggage from past experience. So just practice the "Zen of referrals." Ask for referrals without being attached to whether your clients say "yes." Focus on your actions, not the fruits of your actions. Control what you can control. You can't control a client who wants to play the referral game with you, but you can control moving through your fear and asking.
You can ask most of your clients for referrals. Some will give you referrals right on the spot -- on your terms. Some will give you referrals later -- on their own terms. And some will never give you referrals. But if you approach it from the right place, you'll never hurt your relationships or look like you're begging.
Bill Cates is the author of the industry book "Get More Referrals Now" and the president of Referral Coach International. He can be reached at info@referralcoach.com. For more information, visit www.referralcoach.com. 
